burdenedwithgloriousassbutt:

takanobaka:

Why say “ding dong you are wrong” when you could say “eggs and bacon you’re mistaken”

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theaceoffours:

shrill-ex:

most of the lights are out in my kitchen so there’s a spotlight on my fridge

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BE…

OUR…

GUEST

my-patronus-is-a-winchester:

thelibrarina:

professor-whom:

I only accept sexts in iambic pentameter

Thy beauty is beyond all earth’s compare;
Pray tell me, lover mine, what dost thou wear?

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city-glow-after-dark:

mahlarchuck:

atlasnerd:

swaginageorge:

seeing a hot guy walk by like

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Reblogging for the sheer hilarity of the gif.

It would be a mistake not to

"Four score and one booty ago damn that’s a fine ass"

Prince George + Text Posts

shisnojon:

honestly

nyxweaver:

grandtrilobyte-eleshnorn:

nyxweaver:

sarkhan-volkswagen:

nyxweaver:

abzan-houses:

nyxweaver:

y’all remember that game in elementary school where each person would say one word and the next person would say a word etc so it’d create a cohesive story? let’s do that:

Two

Thousand

men

ate

their

dicks.

well playtime is over you’re all grounded

hellabitcoins:

ilovesmoothjazz1998:

hellabitcoins:

aliwav:

listen you boutta have the thickest smoodie of all time, where is your liquid? your ice? weak ass aesthetics, try again

smh they leave the strawberry tops on… might as well leave the gotdam banana peels on

u can eat strawberry tops… & recent studies are showing banana peels are healthy n nutritious for u:…. The turntables

n im sure the outside of a coconut is mad high in fiber but im not bout ta eat woodchips cause of no govermence scienticians

[x]

caloriq:

how do people have relationship after relationship like i can’t find a single person to find me remotely attractive for a solid second

avatardsherlockian:

killjoysandcastiel:

colesun:

sheetofsound:

ghoulishghosty:

also today some kid mentioned the red hot chili peppers and i was like “oh i love that band” and they were like “oh yeah name five songs by them” and i listed five of my favourites and he hesitated and then said “maybe you do like them”

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Why is it on a pieCE OF CHEESE

Why do you make your senteNCES CAPITALIZED AS THEY PROGRESS

because it proviDES A SENSE OF SUDDEN ANGER/REALIZATION

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I can’t with this sign because

saltandpuff:

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BACK FOOT OPEN

RUB RUB 7 DAYS

siderealscion:

mALEFISHIENT, MARK

ive been meaning to make work-related comics forever, so enjoy some choice movie title bastardizations.

(these all actually, seriously, happened, with no humor or awareness on the part of the customer at the time as far as I could tell. so, yes, someone actually asked for a ticket to “Detergent” with a straight face.)

lamapalooza:

This kid is hilarious

hawtornes